humor

The Arachnioso

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What is it with old houses and spiders?

It’s like they emit this homing beacon to all arachnids; it’s one of the great, unsolved mysteries of our universe.  Hence, my ongoing battle with Charlotte.

In this ancient cottage, I have to make use of every available inch of space.  Thus, oddly sized bowls and serving dishes are stored in quasi-neat stacks above my cabinets.  (I did say quasi, didn’t I?)  At any rate, every time I go to pull down a mixing bowl – and I do mean EVERY TIME – I am greeted by Charlotte’s web having been rebuilt in the corner above the dishes…a somewhat untidy scattering of her most recent fruit-fly soufflés littering the bowls below.  Yay.

Charlotte is what Americans would call a “Daddy Long Legs” – super spindly, a little tan pincushion with legs so fine you can about see through them, but I KNOW she is smirking at me underneath that miniscule cluster of eyes!  Last week, I swear I saw “I’M COMPLETELY AWESOME!” spelled out in web.  Complete with exclamation point.

Spotting my nemesis, it is only natural to take a swat at her.  I swipe, miss completely, and in the process nearly send myself flying off the stepstool into the knife block.  Actually, Hubby has always claimed I am likely to die in some freakishly weird way.  I am probably the only person you’ll ever meet who nearly severed her radial artery filling the peanut feeder for her birds.  Hence, he keeps the life insurance paid up and is well versed in the double indemnity clause.  Oh, he wants to keep me around.  But he has seen one too many weird accidents to take any chances.

And honestly, accidental “death by spider” should probably involve a bite somewhere, don’t you think?

Charlotte dodged my tea towel and dropped behind the cabinet, AGAIN, where she is currently redrawing plans for a new and better web.  I expect construction to begin the instant I leave the room.

This is our dance:  I swipe, she hides, I leave the room, she rebuilds, I discover, I swipe…and so on.

Frankly, I think she is enjoying our little game, but ultimately, she knows she is safe.  Especially since she has an uncle, cousin or nephew in practically every other corner of the house.  I am surrounded by the arachnid mafia.  While I do not expect a horse head in my bed any day soon, I do keep a pretty wary eye on her cousin Harry, currently residing in a corner of my bathroom.  Uncle Barry has a spun a web mansion in the dining room, and cousin Larry is sizing me up from inside the coal hod.  They are watching…always watching…

Mother Hen

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© motherhendiaries 2014 all rights reserved

8 replies »

  1. I name all my spiders to try and overcome my horrid arachnophobia. I scream at Jack “just take Larry outside, OUTSIDE!” I can bring myself to harm
    them and I suppose they provide us a service.

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  2. I dont so much mind the occasional grand daddy lon leg, its all the others I dont like. Last summer we had a spider above our door that was huge, I usually scoop spiders up with a piece of paper and a cup, but this one was so big if I had tried to scoop him with my biggest cup, (which is my hubbys Guinness glass) it would have cut the ends of his legs off. So I tried opening the door and using a broom to knock it outside, but it jumped from the wall to my kitchen table. So I told my husband to figure it out, anyway he ended up shooting it with a pellet rifle, cause it was just to big to smack with a book.

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  3. I don’t mind Daddy Long Legs, his sister Charlotte or Uncle either! The hairy spiders scare me! I do think I would be carrying the one playing with you outdoors. But at Girl Scout camp, I would be the one who was called on to carry little spiders, garden snakes and bugs out of places. My old home I rented with my 3 kids, my son wore my two potholders on his hands and carried a baby bat out of our attic play area! I love having heroes, maybe your hubby or son could take over spider duty! Ha ha!

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    • No way. Hubby is worse about them then me by far. Harry spider in the bathroom is big and black. I keep dumping him out the window, but he returns every time. Like a bad, Mafia penny.

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  4. I feel your pain. At least their mouths aren’t large enough to bite human flesh since they have deadly venom-or so I am told. People keep talling me how great theya re because they eat mosquitoes, my second largest nemesis in the insect world. But, having been bitten now three times by arachnidites, I don’t give any of them time to explain why they are in my cabinet, floor, tpilet, bedroom or laundry room. Take no prisoners has become my mottoe. I did try to tell them they have achance to go quietly but sdaly they do not take heed. And it takes too long to rid myself of the nasty sores the bites produce. It is why we have decided to allow Alvin, the chirping rather large Gecko to stay. Yhey eat lots of insects. If only I could potty train him…..great post! I love your adventures. 🙂

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